Sunday, 18 March 2012

Dark times


I've spent most of the last few months pretty convinced that
  1. I'm trapped in a cycle
  2. I'm a bad person
  3. I've accepted that this cycle will persist and loneliness will just get more and more and more.
But It's an indulgent cycle of bollox. In no particular order: yes, I've made some bad decisions, but they can be corrected (I think). And the cycle can be broken, and so I can have a life again.
The problem is, the life I wanted isn't here any more. No long reasoning out of why this is. But the people I wanted here aren't here. And they can't be gathered into one place every again: 
What I wanted -- even prayed for, tonight -- was the ability to remember the good things that have happened in my life without almost instantly being full of regret that they're over. Otherwise this sadness really will be interminable.

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Strawberries, or strawberry-scented poo?

Here's what I've been wondering: can campaigning for something give you power where campaigning against something doesn't?

One site I've taken a bit of a shine to, in the last year, is the RSA's lectures. Specifically, I like the RSAnimate series of illustrated lectures. It's a hell of a lot better than digging for decent TV among the surprisingly homogeneous or cross-correlated schedules.

Probably through conditioning, Sunday is when I catch up on what's happening in the world. So when I woke up this morning, I made my way to the RSA to see what cartoon characters could coax me into the day, and browsing after I'd watched a couple of animated lectures on the recent (and not-so-recent) failures of the Holy Market, I found a piece on an optimistic view of the future of humanity, called Reasons to be CheerfulIt's hardly a secret that I have an upbeat view of humans, especially their creative capacity for expression and thinking. So of course, I warmed to it instantly (and will probably get the book/e-book and be very enthusiastic about its contents). And there are plenty of reasons to be pessimistic – this is the starting point of the article, in fact. It's up to each of us, whether we believe that foreboding news stories about these are part of a co-ordinated effort to keep us all busy while the current system trundles along unbothered by democracy towards insert-name-of-collapse. But regardless of whether you do, it strikes me that there's something else we should concern ourselves with: positive activism.

One thing that bothers me a great deal is the perception (right or wrong) that democracy isn't very effective in these islands. Perception that democracy is failing is usually self-fulfilling once people lose hope. So I'm not going to bother with the consequences of that. But if it genuinely is ineffective, then we have to sit up and take rapid notice. No matter your politics, the co-ordinated efforts of UK Uncut should be bringing results, but on the day of their largest co-ordinated national protest against the coalition's spending cut tactics, BBC News was praising the success of democracy in Egypt. The large-scale national protests, on their doorstep, didn't even make the evening news. What the fundamental difference was, other than geography, I really don't know. But the editorial hypocrisy in the BBC that day was heart-breaking.

If day-to-day democracy in the UK isn't working, then we have to work out how we can reboot it. This isn't just a "wouldn't it be nice if we had proper local democracy" issue; it's fundamental to having a say over any kind of debate over the reforms that a national cabinet is currently able to whisk through into law. That, by the way, is not representative democracy.

Two things that strike me as interlinked are day-to-day democracy and optimistic thinking. Reasons to Be Cheerful got me thinking that although there are all these great ideas out there, who's campaigning for them? They might be successful to some extent commercially, but if they're really important for the safe-guarding of our future on a national or international level, What do we do? Do we sit on our asses and wait for the Green Party to adopt a fuel solution (by default, and while no one else does), then watch as they fail to suddenly sweep to power because they don't have popular policies in other domains we care about? Back to Square One: people with the money to afford a conscience can do their bit while  the rest have to use coal and oil until the point of disaster? FAIL.

I wonder whether protests against (let's say government) policies are inherently less likely to succeed than calls for something to happen. Given the system centred on key personnel in Downing Street, rather than a government in parliament, running the country now looks far more like management. And as more than one manager has told me in the past, "managers don't want to hear the problem, they want to hear the solution". Rightly or wrongly. So perhaps government will respond better to campaigns for ideas than protests against something.

I have to be clear at this point that I'm not against protesting. It's fundamental to securing the fear by government of its people, and that's a very healthy thing for democracy. I also have to say that this is not expert opinion. But what I think I'm advocating is that with protest should come equally vociferous ideas for alternatives. The human tendency to fear change will unite people in protesting against something new and bad, but it'll take worthwhile effort to get people behind something new and fundamentally critical. Otherwise, we slip back into perpetuating the problems we've been saying we want to solve all along.

So here's what my premise boils down to: if you campaign for something – let's say that deep down you want strawberries – you take the initiative, you campaign for strawberries for all, and in the end, if you're successful, you get strawberries. We all do. If you don't do anything, the best case you can hope for is to be reactive. In the end you might end up voting for the idea generated by someone else, along their political lines, which could be orders of magnitude weaker than what you might really have liked. When it comes to the choices offered, once, at that rare general election, you'll be offered poo. One of the parties will be offering mildly strawberry-scented poo, and since that's closest to what you really wanted, you'll vote for it. If you're lucky then, enough other people will vote for it. And you'll get  strawberry-scented poo. With enough expectation management on the part of these parties, you might even be happy that the poo was strawberry-smelling.

But you what you really wanted were strawberries. So go out and ask for them. As a very kind veteran scientist once told me at breakfast, "the secret of life is to ask".

Live life thinking

The other night, I was driving back with Lucie from a friend's wedding, and I started to reveal what I rarely have done (except to the Gentleman Friend, I can't remember revealing it to anyone, in fact), which is Plan Z. Plan Z goes like this: if it all goes to shit, I'll gather up what money I have, and go and work for a volunteering organisation overseas: something that a) I believe in, and 2) that'll have me.

When I was younger, this was Plan B. It's been downgraded because I'm older, and there are other things I'd rather do because they'd more readily let me build a relationship, a home and (maybe) a family. I could say other nice words about realising that it's progressively less common for a given job or career to be "for life", or that a corollary is the multitude of possible other jobs; and it'd be true to say I've thought those thoughts. But if I'm honest, it's in recognition of my selfishness that Plan B is now Plan Z.

Sometimes, a few things happen in quick succession to reinforce a bubbling under-current of thought. It's a form of synchronicity, I suppose. The under-current in this case is that my job is up for competition at interview in 6 months or so. If I'm successful, I get to carry on in this career (which I mostly love) for another few years. If I'm not, money ends in the spring, and I "get" to move on in a different direction. One peculiar reinforcement came when I was watching Glee. The more that you know about my life, the less surprised you could be that I really enjoy the show. There are good lines in it, as well as good music, and there was one line during the last show that talked about visualising possible futures in order to choose between them. While I don't need to be on a stage to visualise mine, it seems like a smart thing to do anyway, and I'm usually all for visualising things (usually in a more mundane way like sketches, graphs, 3-D renderings) to understand them.

After I came out, I once talked to the Fourth Man about a places to go and work; he advised me that there were places I might want to think about the kind of life I'd have. Tokyo turned out to be better than I could have imagined. And as Ho Bro says, there are other good places on Earth, too. That's no longer the only consideration, though, because now people (plural) are involved. Maybe visualising what life would be, not just where, will help to choose.

Thursday, 5 August 2010

nervousness

I think, ironically, I want to be sick. As in vomit, not as in sick sick... I don't want that for me, or for someone very close to me. He's in the hospital now getting the latest scan results. In a fantasy world, the hitch-hiker is diminishing in size. In reality, I hope it's the same as last year: no change.

He's got the strength to cope with all of this. I hope I can match him.

It seems I do pray, after all.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Best night of my life

Not tonight, but a year ago tonight.

I think I remember pretty much everything about it. And it's very hard, him being on a beach thousands of miles away right now. I don't think he's as sentimental as me. But in the course of the last couple of months, he said that he wished he could be as focused on me as he was in Ibiza. We were each other's World there. He was mine, anyway :o)

Mad thing is, he still is.

This is not a night I wanted to be without him.

Sunday, 11 April 2010

bigness

Some big words got used tonight. Very big words. The good kind.

I have no idea what happens next.

Monday, 9 November 2009

Surviving England

What a brilliant 5 days.

It seems like a very long time ago that I walked e to the station, but it was only this morning. Now I'm back in my own flat, it's not that it seems empty, but it is true that he seems missing. I loved having him here. I loved him being around. We had so much fun, and lastnight was one of the best bits: just him being here, making dinner, watching a movie... They're all part of the good stuff :o)

'night all.

Friday, 18 September 2009

Talking on the rocks from late afternoon, through sunset behind the island, and night-swimming in the warm bay water, with cognac.


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The second most perfect place...


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10 Juillet 2009

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

お花見, 北アイルランド風



Went for a walk earlier on and spotted a few blossoms out and about. There were even some in the garden – this weeping apple tree beside the fence was about the most convincing. No drunk Japanese people with sake on blue tarpaulin, though. :oD

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

猿は去る

〓〓 moves from 町田

Monday, 9 February 2009

The old place


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A kind word...

...from the right person in your life, and your heart sings.

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

I need this in my life

It's a countdown clock that you have to beat in the morning.

The aim is to get out of the house/apartment/hotel room before it reaches zero.

Saw it on はなまるマーケット last week!

"Never could resist a ticking clock..."

Thursday, 29 January 2009

Weird, eh?

As I begin the process of leaving, I can't help but be drawn back to my past here. This place was a huge part of the happy and sad times. Last time I saw it was horrible. But I still have some nice memories there.


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Wednesday, 14 January 2009

End of office attendance for the day

But it goes on.

Not to worry - I've had a medium to good day, actually. Biked it in 12 hrs ago, then had a day reading a grant application draft. Had ideas for it, and also had ideas for the Extravaganza! Which I was dreading thinking about, but now believe has the capapacity to be quite good.

Also faffed a bit on Facebook. But mostly worked.

Also, my arse cheeks hurt cos I did quite a lot of work at the gym lastnight. Haha

And nice music now playing on my iPod on the train between Fuchers and Matchley.

Lovely.

Course, a phoner from Mr C inevitably brightened my mood. I'm so easy to manipulate... ;o)

Time to eat, I think!

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Cold nights, warm days

It's bitterly cold (with apologies to other Wogan fans) these nights.

But the weekend just past was quietly perfect.

Just wanted to say that.

I enjoy these weekends with Mr C so much.

That is all :)

お休みっ

Monday, 12 January 2009

Sorry for a frog

Spotted on a young teenager's baseball cap:

"Sorry for a frog
Happy songs for fuckin' people"

on the 小田急 express, coming back from the onsen that Mr C and I visited

Saturday, 6 December 2008

はじめて、はじめて、…〓

はじめてです

〓このブログにようこそ! 〓

昨日夜はですねパンダ姫や大河さんや俺も北の家族とBig Echoに居た.

写真や動画もある 〓

スッゴイ楽しかった - 「パンダ姫の歌はきれい」と思いました.

俺はもちろん「Islands In The Stream」が歌った
(^ー^)

今は新宿に行けいるChristmas Shoppingの為に
( ゜Д゜メ)

キャスパくんは手伝う 〓

頑張る!!

Friday, 7 November 2008

This is the strangest feeling.

I've already cried once tonight... now my mind is wandering a lot.

My favourite uncle – the member of my family I'm most like, and would most like to be like – is dying. As in, dying right now.

I'm 6000 miles away and powerless to stop it. My cousin only found out her dad was dying lastnight. This is shit. Really really shit.

Maybe not so bad for him, though. Which is the most important thing. We all have time for things to get better in our lives. He has not much time left. But he got to tell his family he was really lucky to have them. I'm just really upset that if this really is happening – and there's a complete un-reality to this happening so far away – then, I'm not going to get to hear him aever again. He's always got stuff to say... funny, interesting. It was a shock to see him a bit out of it last year. He was in hospital when the last stages of Wimbledon were on. I was back for J's wedding, and really wanted to see Uncle D.

But the rest of the time, he's got this mind... I can completely tune into and could just listen for hours. Days.

But he's going through the process of dying right now. Really actually right now. And all I can think of is that I hope he's not alone. Mum's going to be with him in about a couple of hours. I want to be there too. But there's over 24 hours, in between, and I've no idea how I would help. I just want to be there.

This is really really shit.

And I won't try to say whether it's better for him this way or not. He's got M.S., and has had the symptoms for a few years. But he doesn't whinge about it. Lately – in the last year – it got worse. But it wasn't at the final stages. This has just come out of nowhere. I just hope it's not too rough on him. It's going to be horribly rough on his wife and daughter, though... They're such a tight family.

I can't type any more about this.

I just wanted to acknowledge someone who's a great inspiration to me, and he's alive right now.

I'm happy about that.