Dark times

I've spent most of the last few months pretty convinced that

1. I'm trapped in a cycle
2. I'm a bad person
3. I've accepted that this cycle will persist and loneliness will just get more and more and more.

But It's an indulgent cycle of bollox. In no particular order: yes, I've made some bad decisions, but they can be corrected (I think). And the cycle can be broken, and so I can have a life again.

The problem is, the life I wanted isn't here any more. No long reasoning out of why this is. But the people I wanted here aren't here. And they can't be gathered into one place every again: 

What I wanted -- even prayed for, tonight -- was the ability to remember the good things that have happened in my life without almost instantly being full of regret that they're over. Otherwise this sadness really will be interminable.