This is the strangest feeling.

I've already cried once tonight... now my mind is wandering a lot.

My favourite uncle – the member of my family I'm most like, and would most like to be like – is dying. As in, dying right now.

I'm 6000 miles away and powerless to stop it. My cousin only found out her dad was dying lastnight. This is shit. Really really shit.

Maybe not so bad for him, though. Which is the most important thing. We all have time for things to get better in our lives. He has not much time left. But he got to tell his family he was really lucky to have them. I'm just really upset that if this really is happening – and there's a complete un-reality to this happening so far away – then, I'm not going to get to hear him aever again. He's always got stuff to say... funny, interesting. It was a shock to see him a bit out of it last year. He was in hospital when the last stages of Wimbledon were on. I was back for J's wedding, and really wanted to see Uncle D.

But the rest of the time, he's got this mind... I can completely tune into and could just listen for hours. Days.

But he's going through the process of dying right now. Really actually right now. And all I can think of is that I hope he's not alone. Mum's going to be with him in about a couple of hours. I want to be there too. But there's over 24 hours, in between, and I've no idea how I would help. I just want to be there.

This is really really shit.

And I won't try to say whether it's better for him this way or not. He's got M.S., and has had the symptoms for a few years. But he doesn't whinge about it. Lately – in the last year – it got worse. But it wasn't at the final stages. This has just come out of nowhere. I just hope it's not too rough on him. It's going to be horribly rough on his wife and daughter, though... They're such a tight family.

I can't type any more about this.

I just wanted to acknowledge someone who's a great inspiration to me, and he's alive right now.

I'm happy about that.