Sunday 18 March 2012

Dark times


I've spent most of the last few months pretty convinced that
  1. I'm trapped in a cycle
  2. I'm a bad person
  3. I've accepted that this cycle will persist and loneliness will just get more and more and more.
But It's an indulgent cycle of bollox. In no particular order: yes, I've made some bad decisions, but they can be corrected (I think). And the cycle can be broken, and so I can have a life again.
The problem is, the life I wanted isn't here any more. No long reasoning out of why this is. But the people I wanted here aren't here. And they can't be gathered into one place every again: 
What I wanted -- even prayed for, tonight -- was the ability to remember the good things that have happened in my life without almost instantly being full of regret that they're over. Otherwise this sadness really will be interminable.

Sunday 19 June 2011

Strawberries, or strawberry-scented poo?

Here's what I've been wondering: can campaigning for something give you power where campaigning against something doesn't?

One site I've taken a bit of a shine to, in the last year, is the RSA's lectures. Specifically, I like the RSAnimate series of illustrated lectures. It's a hell of a lot better than digging for decent TV among the surprisingly homogeneous or cross-correlated schedules.

Probably through conditioning, Sunday is when I catch up on what's happening in the world. So when I woke up this morning, I made my way to the RSA to see what cartoon characters could coax me into the day, and browsing after I'd watched a couple of animated lectures on the recent (and not-so-recent) failures of the Holy Market, I found a piece on an optimistic view of the future of humanity, called Reasons to be CheerfulIt's hardly a secret that I have an upbeat view of humans, especially their creative capacity for expression and thinking. So of course, I warmed to it instantly (and will probably get the book/e-book and be very enthusiastic about its contents). And there are plenty of reasons to be pessimistic – this is the starting point of the article, in fact. It's up to each of us, whether we believe that foreboding news stories about these are part of a co-ordinated effort to keep us all busy while the current system trundles along unbothered by democracy towards insert-name-of-collapse. But regardless of whether you do, it strikes me that there's something else we should concern ourselves with: positive activism.

One thing that bothers me a great deal is the perception (right or wrong) that democracy isn't very effective in these islands. Perception that democracy is failing is usually self-fulfilling once people lose hope. So I'm not going to bother with the consequences of that. But if it genuinely is ineffective, then we have to sit up and take rapid notice. No matter your politics, the co-ordinated efforts of UK Uncut should be bringing results, but on the day of their largest co-ordinated national protest against the coalition's spending cut tactics, BBC News was praising the success of democracy in Egypt. The large-scale national protests, on their doorstep, didn't even make the evening news. What the fundamental difference was, other than geography, I really don't know. But the editorial hypocrisy in the BBC that day was heart-breaking.

If day-to-day democracy in the UK isn't working, then we have to work out how we can reboot it. This isn't just a "wouldn't it be nice if we had proper local democracy" issue; it's fundamental to having a say over any kind of debate over the reforms that a national cabinet is currently able to whisk through into law. That, by the way, is not representative democracy.

Two things that strike me as interlinked are day-to-day democracy and optimistic thinking. Reasons to Be Cheerful got me thinking that although there are all these great ideas out there, who's campaigning for them? They might be successful to some extent commercially, but if they're really important for the safe-guarding of our future on a national or international level, What do we do? Do we sit on our asses and wait for the Green Party to adopt a fuel solution (by default, and while no one else does), then watch as they fail to suddenly sweep to power because they don't have popular policies in other domains we care about? Back to Square One: people with the money to afford a conscience can do their bit while  the rest have to use coal and oil until the point of disaster? FAIL.

I wonder whether protests against (let's say government) policies are inherently less likely to succeed than calls for something to happen. Given the system centred on key personnel in Downing Street, rather than a government in parliament, running the country now looks far more like management. And as more than one manager has told me in the past, "managers don't want to hear the problem, they want to hear the solution". Rightly or wrongly. So perhaps government will respond better to campaigns for ideas than protests against something.

I have to be clear at this point that I'm not against protesting. It's fundamental to securing the fear by government of its people, and that's a very healthy thing for democracy. I also have to say that this is not expert opinion. But what I think I'm advocating is that with protest should come equally vociferous ideas for alternatives. The human tendency to fear change will unite people in protesting against something new and bad, but it'll take worthwhile effort to get people behind something new and fundamentally critical. Otherwise, we slip back into perpetuating the problems we've been saying we want to solve all along.

So here's what my premise boils down to: if you campaign for something – let's say that deep down you want strawberries – you take the initiative, you campaign for strawberries for all, and in the end, if you're successful, you get strawberries. We all do. If you don't do anything, the best case you can hope for is to be reactive. In the end you might end up voting for the idea generated by someone else, along their political lines, which could be orders of magnitude weaker than what you might really have liked. When it comes to the choices offered, once, at that rare general election, you'll be offered poo. One of the parties will be offering mildly strawberry-scented poo, and since that's closest to what you really wanted, you'll vote for it. If you're lucky then, enough other people will vote for it. And you'll get  strawberry-scented poo. With enough expectation management on the part of these parties, you might even be happy that the poo was strawberry-smelling.

But you what you really wanted were strawberries. So go out and ask for them. As a very kind veteran scientist once told me at breakfast, "the secret of life is to ask".

Live life thinking

The other night, I was driving back with Lucie from a friend's wedding, and I started to reveal what I rarely have done (except to the Gentleman Friend, I can't remember revealing it to anyone, in fact), which is Plan Z. Plan Z goes like this: if it all goes to shit, I'll gather up what money I have, and go and work for a volunteering organisation overseas: something that a) I believe in, and 2) that'll have me.

When I was younger, this was Plan B. It's been downgraded because I'm older, and there are other things I'd rather do because they'd more readily let me build a relationship, a home and (maybe) a family. I could say other nice words about realising that it's progressively less common for a given job or career to be "for life", or that a corollary is the multitude of possible other jobs; and it'd be true to say I've thought those thoughts. But if I'm honest, it's in recognition of my selfishness that Plan B is now Plan Z.

Sometimes, a few things happen in quick succession to reinforce a bubbling under-current of thought. It's a form of synchronicity, I suppose. The under-current in this case is that my job is up for competition at interview in 6 months or so. If I'm successful, I get to carry on in this career (which I mostly love) for another few years. If I'm not, money ends in the spring, and I "get" to move on in a different direction. One peculiar reinforcement came when I was watching Glee. The more that you know about my life, the less surprised you could be that I really enjoy the show. There are good lines in it, as well as good music, and there was one line during the last show that talked about visualising possible futures in order to choose between them. While I don't need to be on a stage to visualise mine, it seems like a smart thing to do anyway, and I'm usually all for visualising things (usually in a more mundane way like sketches, graphs, 3-D renderings) to understand them.

After I came out, I once talked to the Fourth Man about a places to go and work; he advised me that there were places I might want to think about the kind of life I'd have. Tokyo turned out to be better than I could have imagined. And as Ho Bro says, there are other good places on Earth, too. That's no longer the only consideration, though, because now people (plural) are involved. Maybe visualising what life would be, not just where, will help to choose.

Thursday 5 August 2010

nervousness

I think, ironically, I want to be sick. As in vomit, not as in sick sick... I don't want that for me, or for someone very close to me. He's in the hospital now getting the latest scan results. In a fantasy world, the hitch-hiker is diminishing in size. In reality, I hope it's the same as last year: no change.

He's got the strength to cope with all of this. I hope I can match him.

It seems I do pray, after all.

Saturday 17 July 2010

Best night of my life

Not tonight, but a year ago tonight.

I think I remember pretty much everything about it. And it's very hard, him being on a beach thousands of miles away right now. I don't think he's as sentimental as me. But in the course of the last couple of months, he said that he wished he could be as focused on me as he was in Ibiza. We were each other's World there. He was mine, anyway :o)

Mad thing is, he still is.

This is not a night I wanted to be without him.