Is it meself?!

Strawberries, or strawberry-scented poo?

2011-06-19T17:51:00.000+01:00

Here's what I've been wondering: can campaigning for something give you power where campaigning against something doesn't?

One site I've taken a bit of a shine to, in the last year, is the RSA's lectures. Specifically, I like the RSAnimate series of illustrated lectures. It's a hell of a lot better than digging for decent TV among the surprisingly homogeneous or cross-correlated schedules.

Probably through conditioning, Sunday is when I catch up on what's happening in the world. So when I woke up this morning, I made my way to the RSA to see what cartoon characters could coax me into the day, and browsing after I'd watched a couple of animated lectures on the recent (and not-so-recent) failures of the Holy Market, I found a piece on an optimistic view of the future of humanity, called Reasons to be Cheerful. It's hardly a secret that I have an upbeat view of humans, especially their creative capacity for expression and thinking. So of course, I warmed to it instantly (and will probably get the book/e-book and be very enthusiastic about its contents). And there are plenty of reasons to be pessimistic – this is the starting point of the article, in fact. It's up to each of us, whether we believe that foreboding news stories about these are part of a co-ordinated effort to keep us all busy while the current system trundles along unbothered by democracy towards insert-name-of-collapse. But regardless of whether you do, it strikes me that there's something else we should concern ourselves with: positive activism.

One thing that bothers me a great deal is the perception (right or wrong) that democracy isn't very effective in these islands. Perception that democracy is failing is usually self-fulfilling once people lose hope. So I'm not going to bother with the consequences of that. But if it genuinely is ineffective, then we have to sit up and take rapid notice. No matter your politics, the co-ordinated efforts of UK Uncut should be bringing results, but on the day of their largest co-ordinated national protest against the coalition's spending cut tactics, BBC News was praising the success of democracy in Egypt. The large-scale national protests, on their doorstep, didn't even make the evening news. What the fundamental difference was, other than geography, I really don't know. But the editorial hypocrisy in the BBC that day was heart-breaking.

If day-to-day democracy in the UK isn't working, then we have to work out how we can reboot it. This isn't just a "wouldn't it be nice if we had proper local democracy" issue; it's fundamental to having a say over any kind of debate over the reforms that a national cabinet is currently able to whisk through into law. That, by the way, is not representative democracy.

Two things that strike me as interlinked are day-to-day democracy and optimistic thinking. Reasons to Be Cheerful got me thinking that although there are all these great ideas out there, who's campaigning for them? They might be successful to some extent commercially, but if they're really important for the safe-guarding of our future on a national or international level, What do we do? Do we sit on our asses and wait for the Green Party to adopt a fuel solution (by default, and while no one else does), then watch as they fail to suddenly sweep to power because they don't have popular policies in other domains we care about? Back to Square One: people with the money to afford a conscience can do their bit while the rest have to use coal and oil until the point of disaster? FAIL.

I wonder whether protests against (let's say government) policies are inherently less likely to succeed than calls for something to happen. Given the system centred on key personnel in Downing Street, rather than a government in parliament, running the country now looks far more like management. And as more than one manager has told me in the past, "managers don't want to hear the problem, they want to hear the solution". Rightly or wrongly. So perhaps government will respond better to campaigns for ideas than protests against something.

I have to be clear at this point that I'm not against protesting. It's fundamental to securing the fear by government of its people, and that's a very healthy thing for democracy. I also have to say that this is not expert opinion. But what I think I'm advocating is that with protest should come equally vociferous ideas for alternatives. The human tendency to fear change will unite people in protesting against something new and bad, but it'll take worthwhile effort to get people behind something new and fundamentally critical. Otherwise, we slip back into perpetuating the problems we've been saying we want to solve all along.

So here's what my premise boils down to: if you campaign for something – let's say that deep down you want strawberries – you take the initiative, you campaign for strawberries for all, and in the end, if you're successful, you get strawberries. We all do. If you don't do anything, the best case you can hope for is to be reactive. In the end you might end up voting for the idea generated by someone else, along their political lines, which could be orders of magnitude weaker than what you might really have liked. When it comes to the choices offered, once, at that rare general election, you'll be offered poo. One of the parties will be offering mildly strawberry-scented poo, and since that's closest to what you really wanted, you'll vote for it. If you're lucky then, enough other people will vote for it. And you'll get strawberry-scented poo. With enough expectation management on the part of these parties, you might even be happy that the poo was strawberry-smelling.

But you what you really wanted were strawberries. So go out and ask for them. As a very kind veteran scientist once told me at breakfast, "the secret of life is to ask".

Live life thinking

2011-06-19T13:21:00.002+01:00

The other night, I was driving back with Lucie from a friend's wedding, and I started to reveal what I rarely have done (except to the Gentleman Friend, I can't remember revealing it to anyone, in fact), which is Plan Z. Plan Z goes like this: if it all goes to shit, I'll gather up what money I have, and go and work for a volunteering organisation overseas: something that a) I believe in, and 2) that'll have me.

When I was younger, this was Plan B. It's been downgraded because I'm older, and there are other things I'd rather do because they'd more readily let me build a relationship, a home and (maybe) a family. I could say other nice words about realising that it's progressively less common for a given job or career to be "for life", or that a corollary is the multitude of possible other jobs; and it'd be true to say I've thought those thoughts. But if I'm honest, it's in recognition of my selfishness that Plan B is now Plan Z.

Sometimes, a few things happen in quick succession to reinforce a bubbling under-current of thought. It's a form of synchronicity, I suppose. The under-current in this case is that my job is up for competition at interview in 6 months or so. If I'm successful, I get to carry on in this career (which I mostly love) for another few years. If I'm not, money ends in the spring, and I "get" to move on in a different direction. One peculiar reinforcement came when I was watching Glee. The more that you know about my life, the less surprised you could be that I really enjoy the show. There are good lines in it, as well as good music, and there was one line during the last show that talked about visualising possible futures in order to choose between them. While I don't need to be on a stage to visualise mine, it seems like a smart thing to do anyway, and I'm usually all for visualising things (usually in a more mundane way like sketches, graphs, 3-D renderings) to understand them.

After I came out, I once talked to the Fourth Man about a places to go and work; he advised me that there were places I might want to think about the kind of life I'd have. Tokyo turned out to be better than I could have imagined. And as Ho Bro says, there are other good places on Earth, too. That's no longer the only consideration, though, because now people (plural) are involved. Maybe visualising what life would be, not just where, will help to choose.

nervousness

2010-08-05T23:08:00.002+01:00

I think, ironically, I want to be sick. As in vomit, not as in sick sick... I don't want that for me, or for someone very close to me. He's in the hospital now getting the latest scan results. In a fantasy world, the hitch-hiker is diminishing in size. In reality, I hope it's the same as last year: no change.

He's got the strength to cope with all of this. I hope I can match him.

It seems I do pray, after all.

Best night of my life

2010-07-17T23:20:00.002+01:00

Not tonight, but a year ago tonight.

I think I remember pretty much everything about it. And it's very hard, him being on a beach thousands of miles away right now. I don't think he's as sentimental as me. But in the course of the last couple of months, he said that he wished he could be as focused on me as he was in Ibiza. We were each other's World there. He was mine, anyway :o)

Mad thing is, he still is.

This is not a night I wanted to be without him.

bigness

2010-04-11T01:42:00.001+01:00

Some big words got used tonight. Very big words. The good kind.

I have no idea what happens next.

Surviving England

2009-11-09T22:35:00.003Z

What a brilliant 5 days.

It seems like a very long time ago that I walked e to the station, but it was only this morning. Now I'm back in my own flat, it's not that it seems empty, but it is true that he seems missing. I loved having him here. I loved him being around. We had so much fun, and lastnight was one of the best bits: just him being here, making dinner, watching a movie... They're all part of the good stuff :o)

'night all.

2009-09-18T11:39:00.003+01:00

Talking on the rocks from late afternoon, through sunset behind the island, and night-swimming in the warm bay water, with cognac.

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The second most perfect place...

2009-09-18T11:31:00.001+01:00

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10 Juillet 2009

お花見, 北アイルランド風

2009-04-08T19:42:00.002+01:00

Went for a walk earlier on and spotted a few blossoms out and about. There were even some in the garden – this weeping apple tree beside the fence was about the most convincing. No drunk Japanese people with sake on blue tarpaulin, though. :oD

猿は去る

2009-03-11T11:05:00.001Z

〓〓 moves from 町田

〓

猿

The old place

2009-02-09T03:35:00.001Z

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A kind word...

2009-02-09T03:30:00.002Z

...from the right person in your life, and your heart sings.

I need this in my life

2009-02-03T12:53:00.001Z

It's a countdown clock that you have to beat in the morning.

The aim is to get out of the house/apartment/hotel room before it reaches zero.

Saw it on はなまるマーケット last week!

"Never could resist a ticking clock..."

Weird, eh?

2009-01-29T09:22:00.001Z

As I begin the process of leaving, I can't help but be drawn back to my past here. This place was a huge part of the happy and sad times. Last time I saw it was horrible. But I still have some nice memories there.

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End of office attendance for the day

2009-01-14T11:50:00.001Z

But it goes on.

Not to worry - I've had a medium to good day, actually. Biked it in 12 hrs ago, then had a day reading a grant application draft. Had ideas for it, and also had ideas for the Extravaganza! Which I was dreading thinking about, but now believe has the capapacity to be quite good.

Also faffed a bit on Facebook. But mostly worked.

Also, my arse cheeks hurt cos I did quite a lot of work at the gym lastnight. Haha

And nice music now playing on my iPod on the train between Fuchers and Matchley.

Lovely.

Course, a phoner from Mr C inevitably brightened my mood. I'm so easy to manipulate... ;o)

Time to eat, I think!

猿

Cold nights, warm days

2009-01-13T15:32:00.001Z

It's bitterly cold (with apologies to other Wogan fans) these nights.

But the weekend just past was quietly perfect.

Just wanted to say that.

I enjoy these weekends with Mr C so much.

That is all :)

お休みっ

Sorry for a frog

2009-01-12T14:26:00.001Z

Spotted on a young teenager's baseball cap:

"Sorry for a frog
Happy songs for fuckin' people"

on the 小田急 express, coming back from the onsen that Mr C and I visited

はじめて、はじめて、…〓

2008-12-06T04:15:00.001Z

はじめてです

〓このブログにようこそ! 〓

昨日夜はですねパンダ姫や大河さんや俺も北の家族とBig Echoに居た.

写真や動画もある〓

スッゴイ楽しかった - 「パンダ姫の歌はきれい」と思いました.

俺はもちろん「Islands In The Stream」が歌った
(^ー^)

今は新宿に行けいるChristmas Shoppingの為に
( ゜Д゜メ)

キャスパくんは手伝う〓

頑張る!!

2008-11-07T12:21:00.002Z

This is the strangest feeling.

I've already cried once tonight... now my mind is wandering a lot.

My favourite uncle – the member of my family I'm most like, and would most like to be like – is dying. As in, dying right now.

I'm 6000 miles away and powerless to stop it. My cousin only found out her dad was dying lastnight. This is shit. Really really shit.

Maybe not so bad for him, though. Which is the most important thing. We all have time for things to get better in our lives. He has not much time left. But he got to tell his family he was really lucky to have them. I'm just really upset that if this really is happening – and there's a complete un-reality to this happening so far away – then, I'm not going to get to hear him aever again. He's always got stuff to say... funny, interesting. It was a shock to see him a bit out of it last year. He was in hospital when the last stages of Wimbledon were on. I was back for J's wedding, and really wanted to see Uncle D.

But the rest of the time, he's got this mind... I can completely tune into and could just listen for hours. Days.

But he's going through the process of dying right now. Really actually right now. And all I can think of is that I hope he's not alone. Mum's going to be with him in about a couple of hours. I want to be there too. But there's over 24 hours, in between, and I've no idea how I would help. I just want to be there.

This is really really shit.

And I won't try to say whether it's better for him this way or not. He's got M.S., and has had the symptoms for a few years. But he doesn't whinge about it. Lately – in the last year – it got worse. But it wasn't at the final stages. This has just come out of nowhere. I just hope it's not too rough on him. It's going to be horribly rough on his wife and daughter, though... They're such a tight family.

I can't type any more about this.

I just wanted to acknowledge someone who's a great inspiration to me, and he's alive right now.

I'm happy about that.

Arse Biscuits

2008-09-10T04:26:00.002+01:00

It seems that someone has cloned my card details somewhere in Japan. I know this, because I haven't left Japan for sometimes.

I discovered something amiss when I tried to withdraw some money for food (pretzels, turkey jerky and the like) this morning en route to work

And it's possible that Mr B is suffering from the same ill, as his card was recently inaccessible.

Feck. Is this the curse of the Yakuza in Matchington?!

Have to wait now for a new card to be delivered to HomeHome, then probably another week for it to get to here. Rubbish indeed.

At least I have some cash on me, thanks to the nice girl at the Benk allowing one withdrawal.

Just have to not blow it all at once! :o/

Ambivalent Anniversary

2008-09-09T00:18:00.002+01:00

So, today's date was giving me reason to scratch my head a bit as it approached, and lastnight I finally realised what it was.

9th September is when I broke up with the Cat.

To be precise, it was the day after I hadn't been able to sleep because of his suicidal-sounding messages, and the day on which I went back to his flat to check that he hadn't, in fact, done anything more stupid than just sound suicidal.

Horrible weekend.

But, happier is of course what came soon afterward. And also, Saturday marks the 2nd anniversary of arriving in Japan.

Satoshi told me that the second year somewhere feels different. At the end of that second year, I can definitely add my testimony to that theory.

Wonder what the third year will feel like, short as it may be...?!

Anyway, just had brekkie in the NY caff. No more bagel set (boo hoo) but they have introduced a rather filling croque monsieur plate (sans drink, but water would do nicely).

Best be off soon, then. The Sun is in my eyes!

Also, I'm reading George Orwell's diary online. Taken from each corresponding date in 1938, it's starting to get interesting...!

A lot of Saturdays off...

2008-09-05T13:33:00.002+01:00

... recently, but tomorrow isn't one of them :o(

So let's go over recent events.

Mr C has been dating his new guy (40-yr-old Japanese) since .. oooh... about 25th of August. haha And "T" will visit here on Sunday.

Last Sunday was a beach day out near Misaki-guchi, at a party thing that Mr C was pushing to go to and was really good fun. Even managed to get red but not peel

Casper is also working late tonight because of start-of-month stuff associated with the new job, and I'll join him for either a look at another flat tomorrow, or a second look at the one we couldn't see last week (he'll see it when I'm working). This is all assuming that nothing goes awry at work.

Oh, and Mr Kawasaki got in touch a couple of days ago to say hi, just as I thought he'd lost interest. So that was nice! ^_^

Oh, I should explain that I made a tit of myself after an evening out with Mr kawasaki. And felt extremely sheepish the next day. But he was very polite. Which never reassures me, of course. But we've kept in touch.

Visited my Narita mate the other evening, which was cool.

um..... tried to get work done and mostly succeeded on Mon and Tues. An annoyance from East Coast USA sort of derailed that, but now I'm back on duty, so can't really get stuck in. Just do the odd bit of debugging in my spur time.

Phoned the folks for a bit lastnight, but not too long.

Ageha was fun, but Disney guy (who I'm on pretty genial terms with) got a bit drunk and meant I spent much of the end of the night looking for him when I was absolutely wrecked. Boo. But he was okay and we had a nice chat on the shared DenEnToShi line ride home.

I'm now wondering if I posted that Disney Guy and I split up. Well, we did. At the end of June (those of you who know who I'm talking about will recognise his name in there).

So I've been single for two months, with the occasional date.

But since Mr C is my closest friend and is a) moving to Big Town, and b) dating someone (plus the usual c) end/start of month stuff meaning he's out of social commission), and ... well I can't say, but other reliables aren't in great spirits... life feels very very adrift these days. I feel like it's all unravelling already.

Just after it was all more or less together. If I want to go out and get smashed, I get heartfelt abuse for not sticking with The Plan. Or it turns depressing. If I go home, I'm reminded of how alone I am. If I stay out, like I am tonight in the caff, it doesn't feel quite so bad. But recently I can't stand being alone.

So I stay in touch with a million people by phone mail until it drives me crazy, and then I just don't reply to anyone for a night. Lastnight I went on MSN from the NY caff across town, en route back from a solo swim, and wasted all my relaxation time calming down Ikea guy. More on whom another time. But... Purely Selfish Alert...

I have to get this off my chest. None of the people I know here is asking how I am.

It's driving me crazy, too. Just f*cking listen for a minute. I know I can be a good listener most of the time. But I need it too!!

Part of the reason it didn't work out with Disney Guy was the lack of being able to get my point across. W wasn't good at talking full stop.

But at least Mr C will listen a bit – so I think that's part of the reason I'm already missing him.

ooofff.... I'm not an uplifting person to be around these days.

After 11 years of adult single-dom, I'm now single for the longest time since the crazy work time that covered the gap between Tony and W.

I feel trapped that I can't make any plans, too. Not here, anyway. And this place is where i live, so what should I do? It's my home from home.

C said I should just enjoy the time I have left here, but my major connections are failing... he didn't say he wouldn't be around much, too. I feel like I've been duped. That's horribly childish, and I know he didn't mean it. So – quite apart from the fact that I can't be angry at him – I'm not anyway. I just shouldn't have counted on second-best either.

Bleurgh... I'll probably remove this post. It's not good for anything except self-indulgent catharsis.

Work tomorrow will make me free! hah

going home in a bit to watch something good (I hope) like Elizabeth. Or Moulin Rouge.

Lingerie

2008-08-19T01:58:00.001+01:00

"Lingerie is Love Jewelry", declares an ad on the train, by the prerumably not-wholly-unbiased Peach John...

Today's Applause du Jour....

2008-07-30T14:50:00.002+01:00

... goes to long-time favourite Max Barry (author of the brilliant Jennifer Government).

In talking about voting, he manages to come up with a gem of a quote

People who try to guess what other people want end up settling on the
dullest, most conservative, and uninspiring choice available, even if none of
them personally prefer it.*

Well done, Maxy!

Dark and dirty game arcade

2008-07-29T06:09:00.002+01:00

Lastnight, out of a mixture of curiosity, tiredness and self-suggestibility (I'd mentioned the place to Dave in connection with old video games during the day), I investigated the local game arcade, close to the place I got my first barber cut in Matchington.

It wasn't as shiny as Round One, where I'd been with the Scots on Friday night (albeit pished), and there were huge fans set up at the end of some of the aisles to try and bring down the huge temperature created by all these screens and hidden computers.

I was delighted to see that there really were some old games there (Street Fighter 2 Hyper edition was one of them, and that's got to be at least a decade old, along with some version of Darius), in amongst a bunch of strategy games, a few gambling machines, and a few normal style arcade games.

Strange what catches your attention, though.... most of the machines were at seat level. Helped by the fact that they had seats for the entranced customers. And over at the far end of one of the far aisles was something I'd never seen away from the beach or a club: a shirtless Japanese guy! He was about my age, slim and mildly tanned, wearing suit trousers and shoes, one shin perched on the other thigh, dragging on a fag like it was keeping him alive, with a fag packet and a half-drunk plastic beaker on the console of the machine, completely into the game. I did a double-take because you never see people undressed here, even in the summer (it's considered rough).

I wandered round a bit more, considered playing Darius, then just got out; it was noisy, and warm, and I was tired from the gym and not much sleep the previous night, and just wanted to rest.

Sometimes it's rewarding to follow your instincts, though. I like that side of Japanese life because of what it's in contrast to: it's a little bit seedy and it's always nice to know that there's colour in life...

It's so humid here,

2008-07-19T01:46:00.001+01:00

20080718 2104

... it looks foggy!

Can't do much tonight anyway, cos I'm fecked after this week, emotionally and physically.

But have to be strong, eh?

Work tmrw, and on the holiday Monday, too. Very much inclined to go to TGIs for a beer tonight. Just don't want to be the centre of attention. At ALL

House is a kip, but I can tidy it tmrw night or Sunday morning while I'm waiting for the Toot parcel to arrive!

Wish the Scottish Couple was available for a light drink in the NM bar tonight. Mr C is out on enforced drinking with the new work crowd.

Must be edging towards 30 C tonight...

I misr Mr C a lot, but I think I'm over-sensitive to his absence at the moment cos I'm suddenly single.

He had months of me being around only part of the time when I dated Jun. And towards the end with Jun, he told me he realised he was lonely :o(

I told him how I really felt shortly after that point. Then left for England.

I guess in the 7 weeks between that and me splitting with Jun, he lived up to his bhallenge and tried to be better.

Without me. And knowing him, he probably decided that if I was doing a dangerous thing having fallen in love, he would try to not make gt any more dangerous by getting closer.

Dunno.

All just speculation, eh? But noone to speculate with, so it's just me on my own at 9pm. Arriving home.

Evening... from the office

2008-07-15T11:25:00.004+01:00

Well, here I am, and of my own choice.

Mr C is out drinking tonight, but sent an interesting message about being touched up on the oul' 電車 this morning on only his second day. He liked it though, deviant...

Anyway, I'm choosing the low-guilt opportunity to shirk the gym because I want to get some online information finally put up before the big leview next week (I think).

I won't lie and say I'm happy these days. Everything is in a state of flux. Absolutely everything. And it would maybe lift my mood if I could get out onto my balcony to chill a little these days, but it's closed off.

I don't want to go out and get smashed to have some craic because a) I did that on Thursday and Friday and so that's been done, and b) after some of the photos on Sunday, I want to get into shape seriously.

Also, I'm sunburnt, so I don't want to anything that puts pressure on legs, back or shoulders ;oD

Anyway, I knew things would change when Casper moved office. The trick is to enjoy it and get into it!

So, to break the mood, here I am with red t-shirt AND red face ;oD

This weekend, I have been mostly...

2008-07-13T11:15:00.001+01:00

...at the beach! Hurrah!

Or travelling to'n'from them :o)

Brilliant adventure today to a far-off beach in Chiba. Mr C knew about it, but 1st time for both eejits.

Got to this place about 1030 after leaving Matchington 4 full hours earlier.

But it was worth it.

After yesterday's late, somewhat cloud-covered arrival @ Enoshima, we had a really nice wander around the island, after leaving the two Scots supping beer on the beach.

Mr C and I had taken a wander down the beach away from the stalls and music. From there, we heard what sounded like festival drums, so that was intrigue enough. So we made our way across the bridge to the island, got ice cream (purple sweet potato, and pineapple) and wended Mur way up through the shops, eschewing the damed escalator to take the steps further up the hill to a 7 gods shrine. Whichever one has to do with money and good fortune, judgi
ng from the rituals.

But today was something else ＾▽＾

Started doing THIS now... (°_°)

2008-07-08T11:10:00.002+01:00

Me Hear, Me Like

Won't be large posts, just stuff I hear on radio /ON LINE / wherever... that I like. Video posts an added bonus via YeTube.

One week and one good weekend on..

2008-07-07T04:33:00.003+01:00

... and the mood is substantially improved.

Hats off to Casper for most of that.

Friday night, did onsen (not my idea), which had both the normal hot baths, and a merciful cool bath to help combat the summer night heat.

Saturday brought an unusual series of events:

went to gym, not having slept enough and therefore was unusually weak (also, not going for 10 days before that probably didn't help ;oD )
Casper got word that his lords & lez's beer-garden event (which I was going to avoid) was going to be an afternoon thing and thought about backing out
he then asked if I wanted to join in
I thought carefully – lack of genkiness (a word?) was making me think I'd be shite company in a mostly Japanese-speaking environment
came around to the idea when it looked like we'd just pop in for a little while and then go shopping (original afternoon plan)
on agreeing, it transpired that the beer garden was up a mountain. Resistance quickly subsided.
we went for it, stopping off to get some cold noodles (in my case) and rice bowl (his) and then took the funicularse up the mountain.
met Kazu (Casper's mate) and his crowd
no lez's turned up :o(
we went in anyway and got drunk for 2 hours and the craic was very good
I actually saw someone throw away alcohol and didn't mind: it was 飲み放題 (all you can dhrink) after all!!
came back and sobered up with some shopping in the summer sales
went to bed and slept the heaviest in weeks

So, that was nice. And helped to destress me a lot.

Sunday was more sedate. Got up earlyish, went over to Mr Casper's flat and ordered a Toot summer grab-bag and investigated holidays. Looks promising at this stage, even for OBon season (!)

Then, lunchtime-ish, headed over to gym for a few hours. Then to Sagami-Ono to try and get some fancy suit stuff. In the end, we just had tonkatsu, cos the dept store prices at Isetan (even on sale) were sort of pre-sale everywhere else! :oD

Anyway, then headed back to Machida and to Mina - P.S.FA and Orihica weren't great, but Aoki had several purchase-worthy ties and a nice shirt or two. Quite good fun helping someone else shop for that kind of stuff if you know what they want :o)

Ended the day with an obligatory Doutor cafe visit, and a nice relaxed chat. Good end to a good weekend, and good riddance to a bad week!

that's all for now -- have to give my latptop to Dave so he can finish his talk for Thursday!

A long time since I wrote in this

2008-06-30T09:20:00.003+01:00

And it's a sad-sounding post.

The complexities of my love life have been tough, but I think it's coming to an end with Disney Guy.

Off to meet him tonight. He sounds like he's faced up to reality. I think we didn't stand much of a chance, but I don't want to say any more on that. Just, we had some good fun together.

Good luck everyone (/•;)

Presenting... the Amazing Ascending Bear!

2008-04-25T03:13:00.001+01:00

Stefan is from Maihama 舞浜 in Chiba Prefecture.

I won't say any more, as I'm liable to embarrass myself...

(But I am rather taken with him.)

That is all.

R

2008-03-13T21:20:00.001Z

I'm not a huge fan of these early-morning meetings. Those of us in Japan are doomed to attend them at 0700 every time.

I do wish Prof Thing hadn't been so self-sacrificing on our behalf...

蔗嶮邇?

2008-03-13T01:24:00.001Z

On our way to lunch, we spied this massive, pig-shaped statue...!

蔗嶮邇 may be being honoured for his predictive abilities...?

Mum off home

2008-03-06T02:30:00.001Z

This helps to explain the last 2 weeks' worth of blog absence, though none of the preceding silence.

I met mum here, at Narita, last Monday morning. And ten days later, I've just bid her goodbye til next time, and have boarded the more spacious, (though marginally more expensive) NEX 14 back to Shinjuku.

I think it was a successful visit! Actually, I'm sure it was, because she kept saying wha an amazing experience everything was.

We fitted in: a 2.5 day trip to Kyoto - by shinkansen (the bullet train, and my first at that!) which was a huge experience by itself; a rather successful shopping excursion around Machida (including getting Dad a present!); a trip up into the hills to an amazing outdoor art museum; a real natural onsen (also apparently successful); a birthday dinner for me with Casper; a boat trip up the Sumida river, a wander and souvenir shopping trip around Asa
kusa, and an encounter with the locals in the old pub there; and a couple of days of taking it easy around home.

Pretty good going for a first-timer in Asia.

The flat will seem empty tonight, so I've deliberately arranged to meet Casper if at all possible to have some nice company.

Interestingly, I see that Paisley has quit, according to the Japan Times front page. So mum will notice something else that's different on her return home.

I hope she takes happy memories back with her.

Compulsory photo

2008-02-28T15:05:00.002Z

of meself and the mothership at a very Japanese-looking place.

Brilliant

2008-02-27T14:42:00.002Z

I'm finally on holiday, and everyone knows it! Or at least, I've told everyone, and it's up to them whether they listened.

Either way, I'm on holiday with the Mothership, and we took the bullet train to Kyoto today, and have had a very lordy time eating in restaurants and luxuriating in the swanky hotel that Casper suggested as part of the package deal he organised.

Much kudos is rightly going to have to be paid back for this!

Herself is having a great time and is currently writing up her tour diary. I'm doing something marginally higher tech, and have uploaded a whole one picture to Flickr. Of me .

Plan is to spend tomorrow in Kyoto, then off til Nara on Friday before we come back on the bullet in First Cless... I like it!

a.t.h.

Morning!

2008-02-18T00:00:00.003Z

'Ello. I'm daan the caff!

Which is, of course, not some greasy spoon, but a very trendy and unusually airy cafe here in my bit of my bit of west Tokyo. Yah yah yah....

Seeing as I don't get much time, these days, to update the oul' blog, largely due to the ongoing haven't-been-arsed-to-get-internet-at-home problem, I thought I'd take the opportunity to do so as I start the week off.

Came in here to read the e-mail y'see. Plus we have a visitor at the orifice, who's nothing to do with me, so I thought I'd hide here amongst the gentle jazz and sunshine shadows. This way, when I read my e-mails, I lose my temper a lot less ;o)

The Mothership arrives at the weekend, so I'd best be getting on with the work. And Disney guy visits tonight. And i'm supposed to be gymming, too! Argh!

run!

Knackering

2008-02-12T11:03:00.000Z

That was knackering. Three people, and I couldn't see their faces, so I had no idea when they were losing interest.

I talk too much, anyway.

But, overall, it seemed to go okay.

We'll see, if they give me The Call™ (which these days is probably The E-Mail™)

Going home now. First to un café, then for dinner with Casper once he's back from pumping iron.

sleepy now....

2008-01-24T03:14:00.001Z

I look forward to the bored Aussie translator on tonight's news saying, "In Sagamihara, Kanagawa prefecture, snow caused one bus to be as much as five minutes late. Kanachuu Bus Company apologised to passengers, saying they regret the delay, and will work hard to be as ready as possible for next winter's snowfalls. Now the weather..."

A burst of efficiency

2007-12-04T15:36:00.000Z

Tonight I worked until after 9pm, after having arrived just after 9am.

I wrote a slot'n'stare movie-maker which'll take my long run and make it into a movie array. I wrote my second ever IDL object method (a handy one too!). I came home just before 10pm after cycling back. I ate dinner in matsuya. I took the rubbish out. I texted Casper (hopefully), the Cat (civilly, twice), and Yasu (friendlily?). I tidied up my Mac's desktop. I filled in the CO schedule in iCal. And I finally e-mailed some dates to my mum so that she can book a trip to come and visit me.

I need to work out these days, but sometimes I need to other stuff in life, too.

Today was a good day.

Wind 'er up, boys!

2007-12-04T03:16:00.000Z

It seems that FedEx were able to deliver an identical elastic band, mere days after the prized engine of work at the Home for the Bewildered finally perished. R.I.P., small rubberised loop.

Thus, I am now able to receive and (rumour has it) send electronic mail from and to other humans. Or maybe just artificially intelligent robots. Or maybe genuinely intelligent robots. Who knows.

The point is, I am no longer cloaked from the world of Mr Cockup, so I eagerly await the next instalment of "Decisions Other People Don't Want to Make ®"!

Apart from that, though, I am enjoying the tide of Norwegian gently wafting across the partition from the friendly (and helpful!) Wikings.

Skål!

Isolation

2007-12-03T02:21:00.000Z

It seems the rubber band finally snapped at the Home for the Bewildered, and communication is out.

Can't say as this pains me greatly, as the slew of e-mails telling me about Canadian chemists' latest special offers isn't something I really miss. However, it does make me wonder whether the world finally needs my help!

Mind you, they could just use my GMail address, seeing as that's a more stable one :o)

Pin pin!

GMail finally IMAP

2007-11-26T06:00:00.000Z

Wow...!

A month after hearing from The Puppy that GMail were going to offer IMAP mail, I finally have it. I think the timing may not be too coincidental: I archived the 900-odd messages that were in my inbox lastnight from the NY Café.

It seems to work, and is now synchronising nicely with Apple Mail.

I'll see if setting my outgoing mail server to something other than the one at the Home for the Bewildered™ makes it go nuts…

Back to basics; and, biking: yikes!

2007-11-25T12:39:00.000Z

So, it's vrai — I'm really cycling to work these days.

Blah blah,.. whatever, says you. And fair enough. It's the only thing I've blogged about since last week began.

The more significant thing on my mind is how things are going with Casper. It's cooled a bit recently, so I'm thinking he just wants to be friends. But he's sweet, so I can wait if he wants something else.

He's away at a training course in Kansai this week, and left on the midnight bus lastnight. We went to the Tama Centre onsen on Friday for the second Friday in a row (I'm trying to get into thermal tolerance practice for a trip out west later this year/early next year), and then I met him for lunch after he went to see his folks to pick up the tax books as something to do when (not "if") he gets bored during the week.

He'll be in this conference centre all week for everything. No escape, so I started joking that he was going to jail. He was really not looking forward to it because he thought he'd have to share a room. But after wandering around Kansai for something to do, he mailed me with the good news when he got to the centre: he had a twin room all to himself!

Anyway, enough boy talk...

Today was the first day in ages that I've had a properly lazy day. I'm not trying to be a lazy person, but occasionally it's good to completely unwind. So, although I woke up at about 8:00, and then spoke to Casper who'd been in Osaka since 6:00, then did some laundry .... I went back to bed at lunchtime for a couple of hours to shake the headache, and felt a lot better when I got up.

I slowly sorted through the dry laundry, started to tidy the living room up (a week spent cycling, gymming, working, celebrating Thanksgiving with the 米国人 and others, onsenning and then wandering around Town yesterday takes its toll on the tidiness of the flat), casually half-watched some TV, e-mailed various people on the phone, had a shower and just chilled with good music. Then went to Matsuya for a beef bowl, tsutaya to return my Fuji Fabric CDs, and came to the NY's to relax in comfort.

It was great. And hopefully the flat won't affront my eyes so badly when I get back in in a few minutes!

Anyway, best get home. I rented a fillum that I probably won't watch, so I should rip it.

And, best of all, I just e-mailed Mum with a long update. Hopefully she'll enjoy the upbeat nature of it.

ATH -- I'm off, so!

Nice to just while away the day.

MeCycle

2007-11-18T23:47:00.000Z

Up in yonder wild hills of Surrey, there was no way I was going to do anything as daft as cycle in to work. For three reasons:
a) the roads are 0.8 cars wide. 1 bike + 1 car = not passing each other
b) I am not in the same shape as I was at age 18, where I cycled 10 miles to and from work (total). Guildford is 15 miles from the Home for the Bewildered.
c) I had no bike

Today, however, is a different day... (and a different country... with different local terrain...)
I am cycled in to the orifice!

Not without some worry about stamina, it must be said. I'm nowhere near the fitness level of Casper (the current interest), so the slope up to 大野 from "Chou-den" got the better of me 80% of the way up. Thereby leaving my legs a little jelly-like for about a mile afterwards.

Nonetheless, with leaving the hice at 0755, I got here at 0830, feeling rather pleased. Somewhat Parf Daddy-like, I'm wearing special gear on my top half; however, I now realise that the point of an exercise hoody is to get sweat out. And onto whatEVER it is you're wearing over the top of it. I'll be kinder to the Diesel jacket in future.

Right, best get on with it, what! This may be the first visit to the "oversite" (old name) in many months, but can't talk now. Got some sciencing to do!

Fire! *twirls moustache*

Watch out Lance Armstrong! Your radiation-modified muscles can only hold me at bay for so long...!!

じゃね

So that's it, then

2007-10-01T03:52:00.001+01:00

We tried a break.

Correction, I wanted to finish it three weeks ago. Then he suggested a break, "not to stlit up". I thought about if it had any meaning. He said that maybe it meant being friends. I liked that idea. And he had made me feel guilty for trying to leave him when he had no job. So I thought... why not see if it can be rescued. Eight months of shared history might be worth it.

But little changed. At first, it felt okay. I enjoyed the space and conversation that wasn't about our future together. And I think he tried to back off a little, but it didn't last. He kept dropping the usual hints about us moving back to the UK, and saying "we'll be fine, right?" when I didn't know that we would.

So every time I thought about us, I got panic attacks. Seriously.

Break...

2007-09-30T14:35:00.000+01:00

no good.

Tonight, Wataru rang. A lot. Eventually I answered and we talked for about 2 hours.

During those two hours, various attempts at emotional blackmail by him, and various cold-hearted responses from me.

I got stuff off my chest about the suicide messages, and about the fact that he didn't seem able to take responsibility for anything.

He asked if I'd considered how my meetings -- actual meetings, nothing else, mind -- with other gay guys would have made him feel. I said I probably had been thoughtless. Then I asked if he'd thought about how his meetings with exes would make me feel. answer: that stuff was all in the past.

As the conversation went on, it seemed to me at least, more and more that we wre bad for each other. He didn't see it that way

A horrible situation, and a horrible way for me to respond.

Still feel alone

2007-09-10T04:59:00.000+01:00

... but working out why I broke things off.

I know understand why the word "break" is used in "break-up". It's a horrible, wounding, ragged-edged process, and instinctively I want to put the two pieces together again to make the pain stop.

But then I remember. I didn't feel equal, or in control of my life, or that I was doing any good. Too late, I found out that I was doing just fine. At least, that's what he said when we were staring down the barrels. But the not-trusting part (yeah, it keeps coming back to that) was the most hurtful. He didn't even mean it that way. He just thought I wasn't capable of making my own friends without his supervision.

All the progress we'd made with him not being my parent as well as my boyfriend. And in the end, I still didn't think it was enough. The unilateral nature of the separation makes me doubt myself. He was my best friend in so many ways. But now I don't have anyone here to talk it over with. And I miss him desperately.

Amazing how your mood can turn around, eh? Yesterday morning, I woke to some fairly suicidal-sounding messages. So I got up to his place as fast as I could, not knowing whether I'd find him alive or dead. No reflection on me, by the way. Suicide in Japan is a lot less taboo than it is in the (admittedly post-Christian) West. Plus, having had two experiences of suicide close to me, it outweighed the urge to resist in case he was going Fatal Attraction...

Anyway, I rang and rang and rang on the way up (even from the train, though you're not supposed to here). And when I got there, I rang and rang and rang on the doorbell, terrified that he'd done something bad. No answer. I got my keys out, but he'd put the chain on the door. WTF?? Eventually, after much more more ringing of phones and doorbells, he came to the door, stared at me, closed it, and then released the chain and I followed him inside.

I resisted the urge to punch him for making me think he might be dead. So I just cried instead. Then, as I was about to leave, he patted the bed beside him, gesturing for me to lie down and stay for a bit. I lay. After he said that I had killed him, and killed his dreams... he started to listen. He hadn't shown any emotion -- just complete withdrawal. Then, once we started talking, he eventually cried. He'd never cried at all, even in our darkest times. (That was something he took the piss out of me for!) But this time, ... tears. Floods of them. From both of us. When I left, he was lying on his back, still crying. I've something similar once before. But this time it hurt like daggers shredding me inside.

They say it's like losing a limb, but this is all in the internal organs. I can still walk, talk, carry out basic tasks, and (clearly) type. But I can't bear to think of how he is, cos then I want to call him and see. But that won't help, cos it'll draw out the inevitable process again.

Ouch ouch ouch...

the lowest point

2007-09-08T15:25:00.001+01:00

This week has been tough

But this is the lowest point.

The Cat and I just split up. I never expected it to be nice, but after the longest of chats he sensed that I still wanted to leave him.

He fought for us and I still wouldn't change my mind. Something wouldn't let me. Conviction, for once...?

I was warned I'd feel guilty. But never this empty, this sick. The only guy I ever loved, like. And after 8 months...

Jetlag, day four

2007-09-04T02:06:00.000+01:00

It's fairly pathetic, but it always takes me about 5 days to get over jetlag...

I got back on Saturday morning. Shared a bus journey with the guy from the next office, so that sped things up. Then I got back home (with keys, SO gratefully rediscovered in my hand luggage at the Narita carousel), and read a wise text message from Dr B, recommending staying up until 10 pm. I.e., about 9 hours away by the time I read it. Rubbish.

What can a boy do?

I dropped my bags off at home, had a shower, found myself ravenous, and ducked out to Wan Zhu Ji (pronounced ワンツーチ) for some of their lovely white-sesame tan-tan men. I got it almost right. Although the crazed tramp who sat beside me for the meal put a bit of a spoiler on it. Actually, I felt bad for him, the poor guy. But he at least made me stop dead when, after shouting and raving throughout his whole, precious meal, he said "o kane" and that was it. No more shouting "ko-e...aehapewof apzisdoiaWIOFni" over and over... just wandered off in contented, ramen-filled silence.

By this time, I was really spaced. So I wandered around town for a short while, then headed back to Tsutaya to pick up something to keep me awake. I opted for Lucky Number Slevin (get it! It's brilliant!), and something Japanese: A Day on the Planet (きょうのできごと). The first movie, I got through about a third of before sleep came. Then I watched the next third waiting for The Cat to come down. Then the final bit when he was there. Great movie....

Lastnight, then, I ended up watching my second ever Tsubumaki Satoshi film. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, That's incredible -- I always wanted to watch two of his films. Well, even if you only get to live out half of that ambition, you'll be in for a treat if it's either The Waterboys (very funny), or A Day on the Planet. Actually, that's not entirely true. The first movie is always worth getting (with subtitles if you're a non-Japanese speaking person like me), the second one is great if you're spaced out on jetlag, cos it's very relaxing and quite cute.

Ergo, whatever. Hahaa.

In other news, the last two weeks were pretty successful on most fronts, apart from word on when I'm supposed to finish up here. I met Mr M and Sperm (now an actual comedian, as opposed to just an eejit), Neilo (obviously), Ben N, Sarita, Simon, the future Mr Simon, their new place (still being finished), had a nice time at home with the folks, had an outpouring of grief with Paddy (poor lad), told Mum about the Cat (not all positive, oops), had fun with some people I've come to regard as good friends in Dublin, and didn't make a complete twat of myself. A fairly clean scoresheet (just wipe off a few of those smudges, there... oh no, that's just my MacBook Pro's dodgy screen... boo hoo!).

There. Back to the grindhorse, then!

Post Paddy-discussions

2007-08-26T17:56:00.000+01:00

What to do....

Met up with Paddy tonight. Which is to say, he came down to the homestead to pick me up to go for a cheap'n'cheerful pub meal. Which turned out to be not so cheerful as we discussed life stuff. But it was a nice chat. Then I vented massively about Teh Cat in the car as we idled outside the homestead, post-meal.

It's clearly not looking good, based on what I was saying tonight. Despite ringing TC back earlier today to try and encourage him.

It was the first time I'd had a chance to really talk with someone who knows me very well, and he wasn't impressed with my painting of the cat at all. I'm still sore from being accused of having an affair. It's still raw, and hasn't got better. Being asked to bring back a "sorry" present for losing my temper, while he still hasn't apologised for his massive outburst, isn't really helping. Ego ego ego...

Maybe it's time to draw this anticlimax to a close?

Who knows...?

Oh, and against this backdrop, news from LS that he and his new man are buying a flat together and have never been happier. I don't see that future for me and the Cat. That's awful, isn't it? At least, it's not encouraging.

G'night jim-bob.

Fecked

2007-08-18T22:18:00.000+01:00

I got up 25.5 hours ago. Granted, I actually slept on the flight over for a bit, but I have red blotches on my eyes which aren't a good look. So this time, I'm not staying up late. I can't: I'm about to pass out!

Tried a pint of Genius tonight, but it wasn't going down that well...

Monday will bring compulsory Guinness, so maybe I should lay off til then!

Breakfast in Gatwick tomorrow.

お休み!

Seen on a shopping bag on the 小田急 line this afternoon

2007-08-13T05:37:00.001+01:00

"What is considered?"

"I want to understand you.

Please be together all the time.

I want to know what is considered."

I love Japanese English ☆

After a year-long break

2007-08-08T16:54:00.001+01:00

...I have re-joined the league of people who go gymming.

Would say more but it's late, and it would only be about the Cat and I rowing (rhymes with "bowing") (appropriately for this case), no plans for O bon, and Dublin trip in 9 days.

Eep.

Lynx has definitely arrived

2007-07-18T07:41:00.001+01:00

There's a bunch of students/young lads out in the corridor, and it's overpowering...

Mind you, last autumn you couldn't find an effective men's deodorant to save yer life.

Yes, this is probably the lesser evil.

There's a Japanese man talking to lots of ladies

2007-07-10T14:42:00.000+01:00

He's about my age, and they're all about my mum's age. I don't know what is function is, but we're in Heathrow, so there are many possibilities.

He's trying to project an image of knowing what he's doing, so that leads me to believe he's some kind of tour guide.

I've missed Japan since I've been away. Now I've got just over an hour until my flight back there, and I'm ready for it. Had a reasonable night's sleep since about an hour after I checked in lastnight. And I've got my Nytol in the carry-on luggage. I'll attach proof, if proof later be needed of where I was when I wrote this post. But for now, I'm going to head for the departures area. I've had enough of shopping for one trip.

またね!

Post wedding-night blog

2007-07-05T16:57:00.000+01:00

I'm trying to set myself a challenge.

I don't listen when anyone else sets it for me, so i might as well try to listen to myself.

The challenge is this: to keep in touch with my friends. I saw several people (many, in fact) at this wedding who tore strips off me for falling off the radar. The groom told me he wasn't sure if I was still alive. And hit me. Repeatedly. I forgot he was strong as well as lanky...

So the challenge is to keep in touch. Fairly easy to say, of course. But will I do it.

[namie amuro: should I love him]

I'd like to not be known as a bastard. Maybe I'm not, but I can't help thinking that's what I'm doing.

J n Mer 4 evva

2007-07-05T16:31:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was Independence Day for the Americans. And No-More-Independence Day for the Cullybackey Man. An otherwise perfectly intelligent girl agreed to marry him in a monument on the North Coast of Ireland.

A more spectacular setting for an Irish wedding, I cannot think of. Bagpipes, wind rustling through huge sweeps of grass, a temple on the edge of a sea-cliff a ruined palace in the background, whiskey tasting after the wedding, a very happy bride and groom (apart from some crying down to "hay fever"), a ceili, good people around... and some talk of cross-dressing by someone deeply involved in the proceedings... even aside from the kilts we have to wear...

A really brilliant occasion. And ended up waking up on the least worst man's sofa. In my kilt.

Tired now. Will remember more thinky stuff laterer.

Back in the old country

2007-07-01T22:14:00.001+01:00

I'm now back in my childhood home. Aside from the fussy internet access, and the parents' running commentary on what they find confusing about modern culture depicted on TV (hint: 98%), it's great to be back for a break.

The only other thing is that I'm away from my new flat. And there's no-one else there. That's weird. Except maybe The Cat; but I doubt he'll make the trip from Nakano-ku to Wild Wild Machida.

She's My Man has just come on the radio which brings back karaoke memories with the Brooks's in Round One two weeks ago. They'll be pleased...

Anyway, tomorrow, I'm off to Belfast to get fitted up to look like an idiot for Wednesday. Strangely at the same outfit hire place I went to for the geek formal nine years ago. Wonder if they still have my measurements on record. Could do with a laugh...

Odd being away from the Cat for this long a period now that we're actually getting along pretty well. He called today, bless him, just for a chat. He needs to get out more, but not the way that knocks him out for days.

Speaking of being knocked out... jetlag hasn't quite passed yet...

Must check out bus times for tomorrow, bus times for Tuesday, and a hotel for the night of the 10th.... Right, so!

"Never put a sock in a toaster..."

2007-06-25T04:42:00.001+01:00

...And never brush your teeth with Dove foaming face-wash.

That is all.

To Aggy

2007-06-22T06:54:00.000+01:00

Around the time of night I wrote that last post, I went through almost all the photos on my Mac.

And I found this composite shot of Aggy that I took with my old phone.

:o)

To Aggy.

Hearing myself think

2007-06-20T17:53:00.000+01:00

Tonight, for the first time in a very, very long time, I was able to hear myself think.

It felt good.

It had to do with tidying up some loose ends in the recent year. Specifically, the wonderful Jamie. And I found myself resurrecting my UK phone to get some pictures off it. This led to me looking through all my old photos on the Mac...

I haven't felt good about myself for a long time. The Cat isn't helping me feel that way, and I don't know if I'm helping him either. But tonight I felt really good, looking back on pictures of people I've known for years in some cases, for days in others.

I can hear myself think. It's amazing. No distractions, no noise (none that I can't filter out, at least), no internet. Not even the temptation to read. Just me, the disconnected Mac, my sofa, and tea. A man could get lost out there in the world. Especially here.

I think the solution starts with a haircut. I know that sounds vain and shallow. But it starts there. Then we upgrade the rest of the body.

And fix some broken links along the way.

My two boys, Andy and Ben, made me smile tonight. :o)

And, for the first time since Christmas, I let myself listen to Little Bear again...

Near the End of Aggy

2007-06-13T15:52:00.000+01:00

I found this picture of me and the Aussie, taken on 3rd September last year. I was less than ten days away from leaving the country, and he'd just landed a swanky job in Canary Wharf for an insurance firm. Life was about to get very exciting for both of us!

Age's ex always said the Aussie never took a bad picture :o)

# Galaxia by Moonman (Eliot J. Remix)

First Night in McHida

2007-06-04T17:49:00.000+01:00

Hello from my new aparment!!

This is a momentous night for me. Which is nice, because there's plenty of noise outside, most of it from motorbikes or the kind of modded cars that one imagines from "The Fast and The Furious 3: Tokyo Drift" ;oD

Anyway, enough of that. It's amazing to finally, after 12 years of being an official adult, have my own place. Where I don't have to worry about what someone else does with their stuff. Where they keep it. What hours they keep.

Where the kitched stuff is new. I know this, because I laid out a lot of money to get it.

But the kitchen is huge and clean. And the fridge, gas hob and washing machine are all very new and shiny. So much so, that I've only used the fridge so far. The cat and I called in on Saturday to clean and install stuff, then again yesterday after the Ikea trip that nearly broke him. Then again today when I finally FINALLY had a bed. From which I am now typing. It is a futon. I am in Japan. This is going to be an interesting exercise. The cat, slyly, bought cockroach-killing devices. Unlike in Britain, where cockroaches are practically unheard of, in Japan they are all over the place in the summer. I am trying to reconcile myself to this. But the fact of the matter is that my fear of claustrophobia paled in comparison to my fear of reaching out and encountering a cockroach. So I closed all the doors (apart from the wardrobe). And I'm now sitting here in the dull light. My first act of independence was watching a movie uninterrupted (Green Street, which is really good once you get past Charlie Hunnam doing another dodgy accent), after the absolutely religiously compulsory moving-in cup of tea. For which I had no milk. So I went to check out the nearest "Kombini" (Engrish for "convenience store"). Not bad, although mysteriously the kid on duty was making "oden", which I thought were winter food. Muh...

Anyway, there's no interweb connection here, but I thought I'd at least type up something to commemorate being a thirty-year-old man who finally has his own place. Not that I'll be getting up to some of the hijinks that I suspected when I got here, as I'm now rather happily settled with the Cat. Even if I do consider drowning him in a river every couple of days, he still makes me smile. Aw.... Apologios.

Right, time for bed.

When I want ;oD

Oyasumi!

Wonder if I'll make it back...?

2007-05-30T14:26:00.001+01:00

It's been, paradoxically, both a productive and a frightening day. After a leisurely start and breakfast kind-of with the Cat, I made my way to 神奈川県, and read a fun part of that 2nd Murakami book. When I got to work, our visitors were all there, working away without any fuss. Which is great. Meant I could crack on with The Paper.

But a short spell of the kind of day-long panic attack feelings I've been having so much of recently quickly got worse. I've spent almost all day with a sore chest. And not on the right-hand side either, if you get me.

In the last 36 hours, I've discovered a thinning patch on top of my head (curiosity and a webcam got the better of me), white hairs in my beard (not blonde), and now a tight, sore chest.

Feel a bit better relaxing on the train, but don't want to go through the prolonged torture of not knowing if I'll still be alive at midnight.

This is nuts.

I think a lot of it is delayed reaction to the madness of recent weeks at work, plus sorting out a flat and associated stuff with every spare moment, plus never getting a holiday, plus being paranoid that the Cat is going to try and rush things again and/or take over the new place. that last one probably isn't fair but with no-one to talk to about this kind of stuff, it quickly gathers momentum in your mind.

feel like shouting, but what? and who at?

Alive

2007-05-24T17:10:00.001+01:00

Today was one of those rare days when loads of things went well.

I'm fully prepared for not to be like that but I'd like to at least pay tribute to what went right, after a shaky start.

after the too-long early telecon, I woke the Cat up at the right time. I later learned that he was happy about it.

when I got to McHida, Starbucks was open, so I went in and got a frappuccino and hot chicken sandwich.

My iPod played all the right stuff on my way to work.

I was focused about finishing my article when I worked this morning.

It dawned on me at lunchtime that thd article deadlind wasn't tomorrow, but in 7 days' time.

As I was getting ready to send an e-mail to TW about the flat, the Cat rang and texted to say that the landlord had accepted my application! Next step is contract, said he!

I rang TW to impart the good news. This led to the sort of entirely reasonable question0you get from a man who's supposed to leave for Honolulu in 4 days...

When DHB asked me if I'd verified the exact flag values during the real-time check, I was able to confirm that they were right, even though I'd done it on the fly.

I bought two Haruki Murakami books months ago and selected which one to read first in no particular order. I finished early this week. The second one picks up where the first left off.

There followed another meeting by telecon, then more contact with the cat and then I came home late. But met the Cat at the station for tantan men.

As I left the train station, I felt alive for the first time in months...

I've had a particularly odd day...

2007-05-22T16:12:00.000+01:00

For a start, it began with waking up at 4:00 a.m. when the Cat came to bed, and I woke up. This time, because I needed to...

There was a conference in Chiba (way out east, near Disneyland, and beyond IKEA; see a previous post), which — thanks to the way things have been going recently at work — I was in NO way ready for. So I got up to do some "quick analysis", so I'd have at least something of interest to present.

Ended up not being very focused, and ran right up to the wire in terms of when I had to leave. The job I did on shaving my chin was not what one might call exemplary...

The journey was uneventful, but slightly bizarre because I got my laptop out on the Keiyō Line from Tokyo to work on the presentation. On the plus side, I've now mastered getting my slides remarkably swish, I must say :o)

The talk was uneventful, as befitted the content. But Satoshi was there, and it's always fun to have a chat with him, because he never goes for the small-talk angle. DHB, myself, Cristina, Loraine-san, Hiroaki, Satoshi and SK all went for lunch in the nearby restaurant complex -- a Chinese place with very nice set menus -- and then I had a head-stagger about checking the instrument commanding, cos we have a visitor in charge.

So, I had this moment where I was sitting on the steps in the lobby, with my shiny laptop, accessing the commanding of a spacecraft on the other side of the city, in Tokyo.

I could not have predicted this life. But I'm quite amazed that it's mine. Even if I find out tomorrow that I've somehow ballsed it up, I still had that moment.

In other news, I've put in an application, with TW's help, to rent a flat in McHida, close to the train station. I'm quite excited about it, but prepared for it to not work. Things which require applications in Japan often fall flat on a technicality or a whim, so I have to not get my hopes up. He says, with a window open on Ikea's website....

And I just found out from pandagirl that its DB's birthday tomorrow. In the midst of all that's going on at work (not listed, cos I don't want to depress myself), I had to suggest a postponement and then a massive birthday blow-out.

Standing up for myself in a way, I suppose. But I do feel a bit bad. But I think it's in his interests as well.

Either way, what a day. Oh, and I came straight back to the Cat's place after the conference, did a load of laundry, then went to sleep. For three hours!

Cool :oD

"...but typhoons are EXCITING!"

2007-05-15T05:34:00.000+01:00

This time of year, summer is trying to assert its muggy self on the population of Japan (including itinerants like me). The warm, water-laden air pushes in from its winter hibernation spot. But occasionally, like today, the cold air pushes back. Then the temperature drops, sinks past the dew point, and kersploosh!: Out falls all the water.

Witness this morning: McHida train station, and the weather is lovely. Brisk, a bit hot, but lovely sunshine. Get as far as Fuckynobby, and the sky is not far from being coal-coloured. And the wind carries such a strong smell of rain. At that point, I'm wondering if I can make it to work in time (coatless and brollyless) without getting thoroughly and utterly soaked! Exciting! And the smell of the rain gets stronger and stronger with each 100 yards I walk. Fortunately, I made it, but 45 minutes later, there was the kersploosh!

It's finally passed, and now I can see the mountains again. Lovely :o)

Project RestrictedFacialHairGrowth

2007-05-09T09:42:00.000+01:00

comes to an end tonight.

Here's the finished product:

Celebration of Wednesday has been mooted. And as I'm feeling nearly burnt out, I may combine both feast-days into an all-inclusive, parity-of-esteem beer-drinking at a local 居酒屋 (or "Staying and Drinking Shop") in MacHida.

Might, in fact, be rude and vulgar not to.

GrrrRRRRRR!!

2007-05-08T10:47:00.000+01:00

My boss comes here, depriving me of horriday, gives me a good dressing-down, sorts everything out, then we're fine. Then, just as I'm being a good boy and being grown-up and sorting everything out, in the middle of a shite week, I get another dressing-down e-mail with three -- count 'em -- three sequential exclamation marks. Do fuck off!

Add to that that the Cat is being an uppity (sp?) drama queen, despite my Krispy Kreme trip lastnight, and never lets me get to sleep until he's ready, plus the fact that I haven't had a weekend in weeks, without any let-up in sight, and I really am close to the end of my tether.

What, as our American cousins would say, is with these people?

I go home....

Café blog

2007-05-07T00:41:00.000+01:00

I'm sitting in my semi-regular Doutor café at 淵野辺, with the traditional mocha ("eru size" today) and the leptop open, going through e-mails in the dave-is-uncontactable calm of the coffee-shop environment, killing time before the next bus to work. I know it's only a mile in, but I've been travelling since before seven o'clock, so I like this little pause in the day before work really gets going.

I slept yesterday. A lot! The cat and I slept in til 2 pm after watching a marathon of Six Feet Under til the not-so-early hours of Sunday morning. Then I went back to the bedroom about 6pm to read my Murakami book, and ended up drifting off again. Cue me waking up at 11pm when I hear Himself putting on American Beauty (same script-writer and score-writer as SFU, I learn). Which we then mostly watched, before he went for a bath (he doesn't get up til 4 hours after me most days) and I went back to bed. I drifted off again to the strains of Ambient 2 coming from the living room, and woke when he hopped into bed at a somewhat-incredible 4 am. Thanks to forgetting my earplugs at the office during the last move, I couldn't quite shut out the snoring (I'm sure I do much worse, but I luckily sleep with someone who seems impervious to noise). So at 05:02, I went toilet (in the toilet, obvi), and at 05:52 gave up on getting back to sleep.

Summer is already here, though -- at least, by British standards -- so the morning was sufficiently light that I could get up and start making myself ready for the day. Project Jawline-Up Beard seems to have withstood its second brush with the razor (note the absence, in attached, of neckular hair). And I have to say that lastnight I felt positively blissed out by the amount of sleep I got since Sat night. Feel much calmer today, too. Shows the power of refusing to go out and about on Sunday just because you feel you ought to on your day off, ね?

A beard, earlier today. From the office (too embarrassed to do it at the café).

First day sans jacket

2007-05-05T00:30:00.000+01:00

Not quite the scorcher yet that it was shaping up to be earlier, but warm in Tokyo Proper none the less.

Journey's given me enough time to listen to Maximo Park's new album, and the My Architects one that I fell asleep to lastnight. Two beautiful albums that I've fallen in love with.

Golden balls to Golden Week

2007-05-04T13:51:00.000+01:00

2120
So, here I am at the dead of twenty-past-nine, on a train platform just beyond the vast Tokyo border feeling more than slightly hacked off that Golden Week has been ruined by:
a) having to work on two more national holidays because of the duty rota,
b) having to come in the rest of Golden Week because the boss mis-scheduled her trip, despite having lived here herself,
c) working last Saturday AND this one,
d) people asking inflammatory questions about why I don't have an apartment yet. (Hint: you lot dropped us in it with unready software and no training, then keep overloading us, with stuff that isn't that important, every time we almost get our free time back... etc.)

I'm coping by listening to My Top Rated on the iPhod (lots of Nineties - Hi, I'm old.), contemplating the long-term prospects of the relationship I'm in, and planning what kind of apartment I want, wondering where & when I should go on holiday ("whether" is long sealed, by the way) and trying to figure out how to claim my life, sanity, and communication with my friends back.

Light-hearted stuff like that...

Wonder how the Cat is today after his spat with the Rubbish Boss yesterday (and subsequent mentor chat with the drag queen)...?

Massage from the single-mould unit

2007-05-03T00:25:00.001+01:00

It's a bit ridicularse, I know, to be paying what I am at the Wochenlig to avoid the commute...

But as I'm doing so many CO weeks to make up for March away, and then the Incoming keeps arriving every time there's a windy of opportunity, the sensible alternative of actually finding a place of my own in McHida has never yet been possible. Maybe next week, eh...?

Eerie quiet in Machida

2007-05-03T00:01:00.000+01:00

I woke up this morning — the last day in this particular stint at the Wochenlig Mansion — to find no noise outside. Nothing. There's the gentle rumble of distant traffic on the main road (presumably between 横浜 and 八王子), but nothing else. It's weird. I don't remember the New Year being like this, but then I didn't wake up here...

It's been too long since this blog was last active. And much indeed has happened. I've been home for a month (well, back in the UK for a month — wasn't a proper holiday!). And at the moment, the bosslady is here. But I'll try and drop in the occasional entry each week, which was the point of this thing when I started it... er... four years ago(?)

I'm doing considerably more e-mail-type admin than I used to, getting less sleep (partly because I'm travelling in each day from the Cat's place when I'm not in Machida). But I'm living a broader life than I used to in many respects. And I'm listening to a lot more music (both from the Cat's enormous collection, and from my own purchases in Book Off and iTunes). I watch Mino Monta in the mornings, I got my first grey hair (to be posted) the day after my 30th in March. And I'm finding my voice at work (sometimes a bit too loud, probably). Which is not to say work is going brilliantly, but it is at least hopeful. I'm not massively up-beat this morning, because I've got to go to work (bosslady presence plus need to work with her on my first mission project). But the Cat also is working, so no plans would've survived anyway.

I do need to get back to the gym, though, as my health isn't the finest at the moment, and I think a dose of regular (proper) exercise would help enormously to destress.

Listening to Snow Patrol's Warmer Climate right now, and it reminds me — local-radio style — that the weather is indeed getting warmer right now. Looking at mid-twenties for the rest of Golden Week (today is Constitution Day, I bereave, followed by Boys Day tomorrow).

CO week is now Fri-to-Fri, too, so there'll be sod-all fun tomorrow. Have to enjoy what I've got! :oD

Lotsaluvv,
Me

I got in touch with one of my first new acquaintances

Right, tea break's over -- back on your heads!

2007-01-04T14:06:00.000Z

Yes, it's true.

The whirlwind that was the Christmas/New Year (日本の新年) holiday is done and dusted, and I'm in the Bearpit(TM) at gone 11 pm with just my memories and a day off in sight to keep me going. It's depressing when you check to see what trains home there are around midnight.

Make plan
Check plan
Check plan even more
Rename all the stuff that's automatically named wrong
Move it to the right place (cos it automatically goes in the wrong place, too)
Then pray.

End of year festival

2006-12-30T16:17:00.000Z

Two months of not being able to meet any guys, and suddenly I meet a second amazing one today.

I know this makes me sound like some kind of slut, but that's not me at all. I don't have the powers of concentration necessary to keep more than one "gentleman friend" in my sphere of consciousness.... What it is is that there were these two great guys who I'd been wanting to meet up with for ages, and I finally got the chance to meet them both these last three days. Whereas Thurs night was more the date showing up impromptu (and a great time was had), today was something special in a different way. Again, arranged hastily lastnight, partly out of the guilt of me never being free to meet him (and being a little scared by his online grumpy persona). The reality couldn't have been more different!

Both cute, intelligent, very sexy guys -- physically exactly my type. Ten years' age difference between them, one much younger than me, the second a little bit older. And it's not as if I'm guy-shopping: that would imply that I "pick" one and it works out forever. Not so. You can't assume that it would ever work out with someone just cos you choose to make a go of it with them. But the guy I met today... I think I could happily give it a go with him. Need to sleep on it. Actually, I need to sleep full stop. Yaaawwwnn.... おやすみ

Er.... wow....!

2006-12-29T06:02:00.000Z

Lastnight I had the fastest date in history -- in terms of how long it took to arrange.

"How soon can you be here?", I joked

"In half an hour if I jump on the next train". Wow...

And it was worth it. He may be the most extraordinarily attractive guy I've ever had the pleasure of kissing. He left just under two hours ago.

僕わ very happy and a bit excited です!

:o)

Oh, and he knows someone else I've met here. This is a small world

You forget.

2006-12-20T15:09:00.002Z

I mean, you do. You absolutely and completely forget, after a while, how important it is to go and do something that you -- and maybe only you -- enjoy doing.

Tonight I went back to my first regular evening haunt and did what I loved to do in those first few weeks when I was here mostly on my own: go and talk to the bartenders, get them to teach me some Japanese, and drink a few beers over the whole experience.

Tonight I went back, and the sweetest (cutest, I might add) young guy helped me out with the difference between 僕 (boku), わたし (watashi) and おらえ (orae). Apparently, it can be huge.

The difference, I mean... (yack yack)

Anyway, after the past couple of months of intensive helping-other-people-ness, I'd nearly forgotten who I was. And the best of it was, this kid who I thought was really shy turns out to be really helpful and wanting to study for his education licence. And then he gives me a present of some sweets at the end.

These people don't get the concept of tipping still....

But it takes nights like tonight to remind me why I fell in love with these people -- they're polite, thoughtful, and so heart-tinglingly sweet. Okay, I may have had a few Suntory Malts, but I'm feeling ver warm and fuzzy and content right now. And a fit barman spoke to me for ages tonight. Leave me alone. ;o)

2006-12-17T22:39:00.000Z

This may be the most pretentious post yet.

I'm typing this in a coffee shop in Tokyo. Yah yah yah...

:o)

Anyway, time to get to work! おはいおございます, etc....

Popjoy です

2006-12-17T07:21:00.000Z

Popjoy です
Originally uploaded by finassy.

You know you're in Japan when you're eating something called "Bittery Crunky Popjoy" -- haha! :o)

Help!! I'm a Genetic Mutant!!

2006-12-03T14:26:00.000Z

Help!! I'm a Genetic Mutant!!
Originally uploaded by finassy.

What the hell is this?? It keeps happening, then I grow my hair and forget about it.

Then I get it shorn again and, lo! The errant follicle reveals itself!! Is Beardy Ear syndrome related in any way to Hairy Hands?? And does this mean I'm shortly for the glue factory??

Boobies

2006-12-03T13:05:00.000Z

For reasons I won't go into (but they're connected to the Central Bureaucracy™'s homepage theme this week), I just got home and typed the word "boobies" into Google.

The first hit?

www dot ratemyboobies dot com

I hope I don't have to explain why this had me in fits of giggles. Especially when I clicked on the link.

(Oh, and please don't try this at home kids.)

A wake for 小杉

2006-11-29T15:19:00.000Z

I went to a Japanese wake tonight, for someone very senior who helped to get me out here.

We don't have many words to adequately describe the situation, because we hate talking about it. But death is the same for everyone, everywhere.

Here's to you, Kosugi-san. You gave us a great start. I'm honoured to have been there.

DSC00254.JPG

2006-11-28T14:29:00.000Z

DSC00254.JPG
Originally uploaded by finassy.

I wish I knew someone called Marion in Belfast...

DSC00206.JPG

2006-11-28T14:28:00.000Z

DSC00206.JPG
Originally uploaded by finassy.

The Harajuku boys compete with some of the locals for daring, out-there fashion

DSC00277.JPG

2006-11-28T14:27:00.000Z

DSC00277.JPG
Originally uploaded by finassy.

This is the spacecraft driver's official hat.

Like the Queen's crown it weighs a ton. And is mostly shiny.

DSC00204.JPG

2006-11-26T03:52:00.000Z

DSC00204.JPG
Originally uploaded by finassy.

The cool kids in Harajuku -- they were hanging back from the "Lolita Gothic" ones... it's scary that these names are starting to mean something to me now....

Not so much a quotes board...

2006-11-26T03:34:00.000Z

Not so much a quotes board...
Originally uploaded by finassy.

...as a wish list. But it's a really nice place.

There were also some great ones on this board. I'll see if I can borrow Fluff's picture of the one about poor Mildred... You'll understand when you see it...

Time for the good stuff to be got

2006-11-21T16:22:00.000Z

Dave B — my erstwhile Celtic counterpart — has planted the seed of a plan in my head. It involves going to Melbourne for a conference next July (marching season, I know).

Because I shared a house for nearly a year with a Melbournite, and because my natural disposition is one of swearing and drink, it reminds me of the existence of good wine, great bullshit, and warm evenings, punctuated by cool breezes and summer jumpers.

I miss holidays right now. But I know things will get better.

Turin Brakes: Full Of Stars is keeping me sane. That, and the thought that everyone I know is okay.

I hope I'm not out of touch...

Sheer fear

2006-11-21T15:39:00.000Z

I've lost touch with people who I love more than life itself.

This terrifies me.

Neilo and Si were my best friends by far — by far! — when I was in England. Now I have to compromise my job just to get enough time to call any of them.

This is nuts. I hate it.

I love this country, and the people here, but I've got to assert a better life. I don't even have a place to live cos of the collective fuck-ups of my uni and the agencies here. I'm fed up of *that* aspect.

Give me strength. I know it'll be worth it :o)

d

I eat a cheese sandwich

2006-10-26T06:39:00.000+01:00

So f*cking what, you may well be thinking.

I'll tell you what.

For the last three days, I've been cramming the occasional morsel (about two bits of bread a day) into my pie-hole just to keep blood sugar levels above zero, all the while deciding which orifice is more likely to provide relief from the ongoing pressure build-up in the digestive system. On Monday evening, when this all kicked off (less than 24 hours after getting caught out in the rain in Shinjuku), it was decided by the blighters-that-be that it would be from the lower end, and what a production THAT was.

Then nothing for two days.

Then lastnight, a HOST of vomiting produced the first gastric relief of the week. Which was nice. Still no respite from the perma-headache which had been tootling along in the front of my head, feeling like a Californian forest fire had got lost and decided to take up residence. At 2:50 a.m. this morning, though (japanese-ish time, naturally), I stuck my earplugs in as a final desperate measure. And, by jingo, it seems to have helped. I slept, I woke, I was no longer as allergic as a vampire to all forms of visible light, and I was able to hold down more than a gulp of water!

I decided to return to sleep, feeling quite cold still, but a little happier now that my head wasn't trying to separate itself into little grey-and-red pieces.

Then the temporary boss rang to see if I was ok. Measurably so, I replied. Should be back on duty tomorrow, what!!

And then, at 12:10 today, while listening to an ACTUAL ENGLISH LANGUAGE LOCAL STATION, a momentous thing happened....

....my appetite came back!

Ah, the restorative powers of a cheese sandwich...

Browsing other people's iTunes

2006-08-16T17:11:00.000+01:00

Is a great pastime.

Desmond Dekker popped up under Pat's listings, and I'm currently rather enjoying A It Mek. A lot.

There.

The�Great Box Appeal

2006-08-16T14:54:00.000+01:00

Majesty in a burnt-out caravan

Bought Made-up Lovesond #43 last week from iTunes. Still loving it.

In other news, the Great Box Appeal has been launched. Perhaps a little late in the day, but I'm liking the fact that I got a couple of immediate responses.

In other other news, the ball-ache that is the commissioning overview document is in pretty good starting shape, and we had a lengthy but productive meeting about it this morning. At which I was not hungover. Despite wrongness and drinking beer lastnight.�

And Neilo a) got a mention on Moyles this morning; and b) is off to Paris with Herself for three days.

How time flies when you're leaving the country, is my general philosophy on life at the moment.

Oh, and I've pushed back my leaving date by a week to the 12th. VERY wise.

Just spoke to Neil-o in Ibiza

2006-08-12T20:21:00.000+01:00

And he's fecked.

Entirely understandably, too, given the insane last couple of days that he's had.

I, however, am less fecked. I'm mostly just bored. I want fun.

Suggestions on a postcard...

Oh, also, I'm typing this from the dining room, via the hooky wireless connection. I like it!

En Frenchy

2006-08-11T16:54:00.000+01:00

Really chuffed that I just had a proper (albeit lightly stilted) conversation in French with someone for the first time in about two years.

Was chuffed to bits that he understood me, and said that I spoke French really well.

The fact that he was a very fit 20-year old who loves to paraglide in his spare time, and who's always smiled everytime I've passed him in the last month... was a bonus ;o)

Shame he's off back home tomorrow, but these little things always paint life a better colour!

ar*e

2006-08-08T19:29:00.000+01:00

I meant to go home a long ago. Didn't.

Arse.

One giant leap

2006-08-07T17:25:00.000+01:00

towards prosperity (not the project which featured Robbie Williams).

Dr Green pointed me to a fix for my Mac's internal network problem. And now I can see data. NO excuse for not working on the Mac soon, as the IDL licence file arrived this morning.�

All I need (not the Air tune) now is the IDL disc. And for SolarSoft to work. And....

:o)

Warning: sentimental gushy rubbish ahead

2006-08-02T23:25:00.000+01:00

I mean it: consider yourself warned. It involves a break-up.

There. I told you...

...
...
...

It occurred to me a few weeks into the relationship with Essex Boy that I'd never discussed how it was going, what we'd done, the people I'd met through him, where we'd been together.

I made a bit of a mention (ahem) of when I met him (30th April, he says casually). The whole point of that rendezvous had been that it would be a casual one. But we got on a lot better than I'd been expecting and the chemistry was pretty intense stuff. We had another phone encounter after the one the night before I met him (when my bed'd been broken by LS's acrobatics). But apart from that, all it was a case of me going up to Chelmsford to see him -- with the exception of a visit by him to Guildford.

To start this at the end, Monday night was painful: a lot more than I'd anticipated. In my mind, it was going to be rotten, he was going to say something really detached like "okay then, dave" and it would be a case of me doing the walk of shame out the door and back down the 85-mile road to Guildford. In my mind...

In reality, I drove straight there from work, got a call from him (bless him) saying to avoid the traditional A12 which was gridlocked. So I left the motorway at Dartford and tried another route. In the end, I still got there just after 8:00, which didn't help me prepare any longer. In any case, I'd decided weeks ago on the long flight back from J-land what I was going to say if I was going to call it all off. Which I was pretty sure i would do even at that stage. And it was exactly what I said: I can' t do this any more.

It basically summed up the problem: I was getting to the stage where I wanted to get a bit more serious, but couldn't because a) he was 85 miles away, b) his job meant he could rarely leave Essex for even one night because of how long it would take him to get back if he was called in to work, and the c) the clincher, I was leaving England for Japan for a couple of years. Every phone call we'd had recently, which was less often in the last couple of weeks, always hit a quiet point when he asked "so when am I going to see you next". In part, because I got fed up being the one who was making all the effort, and in part because the reality of how fast things were starting to move and the geographical obstacles were so glaringly obvious that it became impossible to ignore the implications of the question. So I told him: I can't do this any more.

But I wasn't expecting him to say "I know you can't".

At first, I wasn't sure if he was just putting a brave face on things. Then, as the conversation falteringly got underway, with me visibly shaking, I learned he'd been giving this a lot more thought than I 'd realised. The biggest surprise was that he'd considered calling it off when I called him my boyfriend, albeit indirectly, as I'm stereotypically phobic of commitment (come on, I only came out two years ago!). But he didn't, and when he came down to Surrey not long after that, I had one of the best days ever around town and in the park with him. And even managed to get him to sleep in the next day -- ha! Never thought I'd accomplish that!

So we talked for over an hour about how it'd all come to be and why it was ending. All amazingly amicable given what I'd expected to happen, and I told him that. He said I didn't know him very well; I didn't point out that that was part of the regret of the situation. Then things got steamy very quickly and we had some of the best bedroom action of the whole ninety-two-day relationship. "Best break-up ever!", he laughed. But the good mood didn't last much beyond an hour. It was starting to cut me up being that close but knowing that I wasn't staying that night. With every five minutes that passed, I wanted to leave less and less, and we were both starting to get quite sore about the reality of it all being over. So I grabbed a towel to go and shower off and start the physical separation.

"Are you coming in with me?", I asked. "I don't know", he replied, completely honestly. I knew then that these were our last few minutes.

The bathroom was occupied, so I couldn't go in and get on with it. This happened three times. Each time I went back to bed and lay next to him and held him. It was harder each time. Harder to let go, obviously, but still difficult when you know something like this is ending.

"I'm taking Karen's advice", he'd said earlier in the evening. What's that? "Treat it like he's dying", apparently. The thought had crossed my mind twice since I'd known him, but it only ever served to make me pull myself together: see now how stupid you're being?, I'd thought to myself. It puts everything into context, doesn't it? I had to agree, I was very right. But when I heard it from To��o's highly kissable lips, it sounded like a totally foreign concept.

The other thing that had surprised me when we'd been talking came up when I mentioned that I'd known it was him calling on his work phone because I'd saved his number.
"I've never been able to save your number"
Really?
"Well it's a moot point now, isn't it?"
I said something stupid like: we can still keep in contact with each other.
"You don't really think that's going to happen do you?"

I hadn't given it a great deal of thought, other than the expectation that eventually we'd be far removed enough from each other that it'd be much easier. And I said as much. But he wasn't convinced. I eventually managed to bargain him up to letting me send him a Japanese fridge magnet for his mum...

We talked about his ex, Mark, and he mentioned that Mark had broken him. And now, so was I. I stayed silent. I didn't fully understand what he meant, although I had this sickening inkling...

Eventually, the bathroom became free. I didn't recognise the face of the guy drying himself off afterwards, smelling of the coconut shower gel I'd used by virtue of it being closest to hand. I looked weird.

When I got back into the room, Tony had dressed again. I sat down quietly on the bed beside him and pulled on my clothes and shoes. We didn't say very much to each other. Then we went downstairs. Parky and the ubiquitous Lisa were in the living room and I said goodbye to them, winking to Parky in a pathetic attempt to pretend everything was okay.

It was a playback of the arrival. What I'd desperately wanted that night when I arrived was for Tony to answer the door and for us to go upstairs. Instead, everyone was there: Maxine, Parky, Ema, Karen, and Lisa, all saying hello and making me feel so small and shitty for what I'd come there to do. I'd had some wonderful times there, and seeing Ema and Karen especially broke my heart. They must have been able to see by my face that something was wrong. I know Tony did because he asked me what was up: he looked worried, even though he didn't admit it later.

So he walked me to the door on My First Break-Up™, and held my hand the whole way down to the door. Past the living room where we'd sat one Sunday and just listened to music on the fancy Bang & Olufsen TV. Past the kitchen where we'd first "pashed" as the Aussie would say. Past everything in the Dream House™. And at the door he said "goodbye dave" and it hurt. I barely registered what else he was saying. Until I held him close and he said the magic words. Then I heard it in crystal-clear surround sound. I said goodbye to my Cutie, and left as he said "Knock 'em dead". And desperately tried to replace the enduring image of him standing sillhoutted in that doorway with one of him smiling.

I still can't.